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Mama Thoughts: The Struggle

Motherhood can be isolating.  Each time I've had a baby, amidst all all of the intense joy and wonderment I've felt at the fact that I created this tiny human, there has also been an equally intense feeling of being overwhelmed and isolated.  After all, no matter how much anyone else wants to help, most of my baby's care is up to me.  We're mammals, that's how we're designed.

Image courtesy J E Theriot

But the fact that the demands of motherhood are natural doesn't mean they're comfortable.  This is a lesson we're re-taught time and time again as our children grow up.  And despite so much attention being given to the younger generations' stress levels due to the differences between what they see portrayed on social media vs the realities of their own lives, very little attention is paid to how this same, strange modern day dichotomy is playing out in the lives of mothers.

I'm fairly vocal about the struggles I experience as a mother.  Anyone who knows me, knows my true story.  But I realize the perception of my life, my experience as a mother, can be perceived completely differently by outside observers because I try not to leave the house without getting properly dressed and I wear makeup 99% of the time.  People who merely see me out and about probably think I have it all together.  How wrong they are!  There is one truth above all others:

We're all a hot mess, some of us are just better at "hiding" it.  

For me, I often have days of small victories.  One of them is putting on an actual outfit.  It's how I make myself feel like I'm still a member of the outside world, even if I'm hanging on the edge of the cliff by my unmanicured fingernails (seriously, I haven't had a manicure in over 4 years).  I put on makeup every day (usually at stoplights) because I am too insecure with my skin to go without.  These facts are my actual reality behind what might make me appear to be someone who "does it all".

But I definitely do not do it all.  There are at least 40 concrete things I could rattle off to you right now that I could be doing better in my life.  For myself and for my children alike.  But I'm making a concerted effort to keep doing what I can and allowing my goals to be fluid.  Because the individual scales of my life (children-spouse-career-self) are never going to be evenly balanced.  I'm learning every day to accept that certain areas will have to take up the slack for others in order to survive with as much grace and joy as is possible.

I'm also learning to find the beauty in having a life that often, internally, feels scotch-taped together. It is providing me with the opportunity to grow and mature, to lean on and confide in my girlfriends and my husband, to steer my beautiful children through life despite not always feeling like their confident Captain.  And to find love in unexpected places.  Through the experience of motherhood, I've found a new, profound feeling of connection to other women, even when I feel entirely alone.  As I lock eyes with another mom at the store who's having "one of those days" - I know her struggle.  I get it.  I hope she's OK.  Or I witness an older woman watching my children, suddenly being transported to memories of her own.  I see her, I actually physically feel her love and her longing.  It makes my heart simultaneously swell and break for her.  I hope she's OK.  Or when I see a pregnant woman, staring at a baby aisle with so much excitement but also clearly feeling overwhelmed.  I want to rush up to her and help her, hold her hand as she becomes part of this tribe.  I hope she's OK.

Not one of us is perfect, not as a person and not as a mother.  We can't fall into the trap of feeling inadequate or less than what we erroneously perceive as other people's perfect lives.  The more we lift the veil on this perception of perfection, the more real and raw and connected we are to one another, the more we will flourish.  Scotch tape and all.

The Bugaboo Bee - It's True Love

Oh, Bugaboo Bee, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

I have a confession: I have a stroller problem. I don't want to tell you how many different strollers I've owned over the past 6 years, but suffice it to say that I presently have 6 (and that's after I've sold several recently). Yes, I'm a strolleraholic! So without further ado, let me tell you about my absolute favorite, the Bugaboo Bee.

After owning countless strollers, I realized that my biggest complaint with all of them was their size/weight. No matter how wonderful their other features might be, the heft of most strollers became a big bummer on a daily basis. I didn't like lugging them in and out of my car (or how much of my trunk they took up). I didn't like running into doorframes or display racks with the edges of the tires. I really didn't like not fitting down some store aisles or not being able to easily maneuver around displays. Don't even get me started on trying to fit in changing rooms at stores!  I needed a narrower, lighter stroller, STAT.

After several failed attempts with other, less expensive brands, I finally closed my eyes and hit buy on the Bee. It arrived in all of its European-designed funky glory, and I wondered how I was going to deal with a stroller that didn't look entirely traditional. But as soon as I popped it together and had my daughter climb in, all my doubts evaporated. She immediately decreed, "Mommy, I wuv dis -troller!" and the push! My goodness, the push! The Bee g-l-i-d-e-s! Everything about the Bee immediately exceeded my expectations and made me a believer in the Bugaboo brand.

I've owned many iterations of the Bee over the past 5 years now: the "original" Bee Minus (as it's become to be known), the Bee Plus (or Bee +), the black framed Bee Plus, and the Bee3.  I've gotten adventurous and made my own custom canopies, tried out the baby cocoon when I had my 2nd child, added the Bugaboo rider board, imported a Twoo Seat to attach to the board so my oldest could grab a seat if she tired of standing... I.just.love.this.stroller.

If you are in the market for your first stroller, spare yourself the all too common mistake of buying "too much" stroller and buy the Bee straight away.  If the price scares you off, buy a used one off of Craigslist.  Even an old Bee Minus (identifiable by its solid white wheels, "wings" on the sides of the seat, and the extra large canopy) in good condition will be a far better stroller than most and should run you between $75 and $150 depending on your area.  The Bee Plus (white spoke wheels, a non-extendable canopy, 3-piece harness buckle) on the silver aluminum frame should run from $200-$350 depending on your area (assume $50 extra for the black frame).  You can always update a Bee Plus with the Bee3's basket (it's slightly larger), seat (fabric is different and the harness straps are 5 pieces), and extendable canopy (it zippers open to reveal an extra panel) should you feel the need for any of these parts.  There is also now a bassinet/carrycot for the Bee available as an additional piece.  Between me and you, I think the cocoon is more than sufficient for use with a newborn (and it's easier to cart around AND easier on your wallet).  But if your heart is really set on having the full pram look for your newborn, you can certainly splash out for the bassinet!

Want to Know What to REALLY Pack for the Hospital?

(image credit Tess Watson)

Here's my official list I share with everyone...

FOOD. Hospital food is awful and they feed you at set hours. You will be hungry ALL THE TIME (you just birthed a human!).

Ensure (check with your OB). There's no reason you shouldn't have calories during labor. Easy way to get some sustenance without going against doctors' antiquated orders to withhold all food.

A water bottle that won't leak, that you can keep in bed with you. Much easier than having to keep that stupid tray table nearby and actually move your poor, abused body to reach it. You can pour water from the measured cups the nurses bring you so they can still keep track of your intake. If your bottle has ml or oz markings, it's even easier.

Clothes that are easy to nurse in, but you won't mind taking pictures in. In dark colors. You will bleed like a murder victim postpartum (no one ever prepared me for THAT!). It is much less horrendous if you're wearing a stretchy black nightgown vs a light blue hospital tent.

Slipper socks. Hospital floors and bathrooms... Enough said. (Dark colors again - you'd be surprised what ends up on your feet the first few times you stand up).

Rubber bands and comfortable headbands. Hair in your face is damn annoying during labor. And postpartum sweat hair looks better in a headband.

Cameras/phones/chargers/laptop or iPad. My oldest wouldn't have left the hospital with a name were it not for my laptop and the Internet. It's also easy to upload pictures to friends and family if you bring your gear.

Cosmetics. If you're normally a makeup queen and you don't want 11,000 pictures looking like complete hell, bring whatever you normally use. If you're concerned about those 1st photos: Model In a Bottle. Hand to God it works and I credit it for keeping me human while delivering my kids.

Toiletries. Shampoo/conditioner/soap/face wash/brush/contact lens solution and case/toothbrush and paste/hair brush. Even the "fancy" hospitals tend to not have anything beyond hospital hand soap in the shower. Color me shocked when I had my first. My hair was even more shocked.

Chapstick. Your lips may get very dry during labor. The post partum sweating should keep you covered after that...

Nursing cover unless you're comfortable with whipping the girls out with visitors watching. You can skip nursing pillows - a lot of fuss when you can get extra bed pillows from the nurses and haul a lot less in/out of the hospital. And also skip nursing pads - your milk won't come in for a few days and, if you should be early and leak, the hospital will give you some.

Cute baby outfits to take baby home in. Don't bring just 1 - you may have a diaper disaster and baby may be too big/small for standard newborn size. The hospital will provide basic babywear, a hat, and swaddle blanket for your stay.

Postpartum Clothes. Comfy, stretchy outfit for you to go home in. You'll be in the hospital mesh underwear with the huge pad (like Depends size) and you will still look approximately 7 months pregnant, so take that into account when choosing clothes.

Oh and remember to take off your rings when you get to the hospital! Your hands will swell from all the fluids in the iv's and you don't want them to cut off your rings. Wear a necklace if you don't normally so you'll have somewhere safe to keep them until you de-puff.

The hospital will provide diapers if you're not doing cloth and will give you ones to take home. The little gauze wipes they have are gold. Get as many as humanly possible. They're hard to find elsewhere and $$$$ when you do track them down.

Take home an extra (or two) perineal bottle so you'll have one for your 2nd bathroom or for when you leave the house. That thing is your BEST FRIEND.

I packed the most valuable items at viability (24 weeks) and taped my "grab it" item list to the top of the bag so I (or my husband) wouldn't have to think about where to find things when it was actually go time. I was unexpectedly hospitalized at 32 weeks during my first pregnancy and was so glad I had a bag and list for DH to follow so I wasn't trying to think about what I needed in a stressful situation!

Mama Thoughts - Confidence

Going through life as women, most of us are at least vaguely aware of this nagging voice in the back of our heads, second-guessing our authority and autonomy. It probably stems from the messages society gives to us as women: women should be polite, women should not take charge, women should never ever rock the boat... No matter how empowered we are, no matter how much we pride ourselves in being women that buck the trend, that break that old cycle of being told what is OK for us to feel/think/do/be... along comes motherhood and even the strongest of us falter.

I'm sure it's in no small part due to the fact that we are now embarking on the most important role we will ever play in life: being Mom. What we do now, the decisions we make for our children, can have repercussions for generations to come (not to mention on the immediate health and happiness of the people we love the most). The gravity of this role, this job, can be quite terrifying. And with this fear, all of the self-doubt we've spent our whole lives pushing out of our heads can come crashing back in with a thunderous roar.

I've heard so many beautiful, confident, loving mothers be paralyzed by self-doubt, despite their maternal instincts practically shouting at them.

"Is it OK if I let my baby sleep in my room? She seems to only feel safe if I'm near, but I don't know if that's bad?"

"My baby cries and cries. I think he's hungry, but he ate not that long ago. I want to feed him, but everyone says I should get him on a schedule or I'll regret it. Is it terrible if I feed him?"

"My mother keeps telling me that my baby is going to get spoiled if I keep holding her all the time. But she's happy when I hold her. I don't want to do the wrong thing. What do you think?"

"Everyone is sending their kids to preschool, but I don't think my kid is ready. Do you think it's bad if I wait another year?"

I've had doubts like these approximately 40,979 times myself.

My wish for all of us is that we can re-harness our confidence and go with our guts, just like we normally do in life. We are smart and capable; the loving stewards of our children. We are connected to them in a way we are to no one else on Earth. Learning to believe in ourselves, specifically as mothers, is a gift we should strive to give to ourselves and to our children. Every time that obnoxious voice starts cropping up, telling us we're wrong, let's stomp it back down. It has no business demanding that we ask permission to be the mothers we want to be.

What the Foonf? And Why You Need One

When I originally set out to buy a convertible car seat for my very tall baby (she was 98% for height at 6 months and rapidly outgrowing her infant seat), I knew very little about the height limits on car seats, how old the typical child is when they hit those limits (since height limits are often hit more quickly than the much-advertised weight limits), or about the insane safety benefits of "extended rear facing".  The only thing on my radar was buying a seat with all of the available safety bells and whistles.  Thus, I happily bought a Britax Advocate and figured it would last me until I needed to move her into a high back booster (HBB).  Wrong!  When she was nearing 3, she was also nearing the top of her Advocate.  The easy solution would have been to flip her to forward facing, but I had since learned about the medical science advocating for children to be kept rear facing for as long as possible (4+ being ideal) and did not want to put a toddler lacking cervical ossification forward facing for the sake of saving the purchase price of a new car seat. Cue Search For A New Car Seat!

Armed with my new information, I set out to learn about the seats that have the tallest rear facing height limits and also have all of the latest safety innovations.  I first ordered a Diono seat, but it was a difficult install in my Prius and ate up nearly all of the front passenger legroom (even with its angle adjuster).  At the time, the Clek Foonf was the only other seat that would accommodate a very tall child rear facing until 4, so I ordered it and crossed my fingers.  I was not prepared for the love affair I would have with this seat!

When it arrived, I was shocked by its substantial weight (this is not a seat you're going to be switching from car to car and you're really only going to travel with it if you're a masochist or very strong).  It's not a scientific statement, but the heft of this seat makes you certain that it will do a great job of protecting your child in an accident.  I was also taken by its fabrics.  My daughter selected Snowberry, which is a vibrant pink with a faint purple undertone.  Like most of the Foonf options, this is one of Clek's Crypton fabrics that resist stains and spills.  It is also a Green Guard Certified fabric. It also shockingly provides the most legroom for the front passengers of any seat I've used! The install was also very easy (I dare say the belt install is even easier than the LATCH rear-facing) and the forward-facing rigid LATCH could not be simpler. Add all of these points to the fact that it will allow for THREE car seats to be installed in the same row, and you can understand why this seat is a winner

Fastforward to 3 years later and we now own THREE Foonfs! I still love this seat for its safety features, comfort for my kids, tall height limit (my oldest did not flip to forward-facing until after age 4 and my 3 year, 3 month old is still happily rear-facing), and even for its fun factor. My kids love the Foonf, too. The seat is a large investment, but I would happily shell out again for one. The Foonf is worth every penny!

If you simply can't stomach the price of the Foonf, Clek now makes the Fllo at a lower price point with very similar safety features. It is a wonderful option as well!

The Fisher Price Rock & Play - Because You Need a SHOWER

Do you have a baby?  Are you shopping for a friend?  Then you need a Rock & Play.  It really is that simple.

This ingenious invention provides you with a safe, confined area to place your little bundle of joy for sleeping during the day, the night, or just while you take a shower.  Its inclined angle is a godsend for babies with reflux (and babies who like to look around), its rocking (although the range is small) provides just enough motion to lull a baby back to sleep, and its portability (it collapses into a flat package) allows you to cart it from room to room (or from your house to grandma's).

The Rock & Play hit the market after my first was already too old for it, but after seeing a friend with one, I swore that my 2nd baby would absolutely have one.  Let me tell you, it did not disappoint.  The public at large should send Fisher Price personal thank you notes as the Rock & Play is THE reason I showered regularly while my 2nd was still new.

The Mama LOVES the Rock & Play and the rest of society is really glad I showered!